When we talk about shame, we mean a feeling that represents a continuum from embarrassment to a state of panic or paralysis. The experience of shame always leads to a feeling of personal inadequacy or “I am not good enough for something and someone/I am ashamed that I will prove to be too much for someone”.
This feeling can cover many other feelings, i.e. is. to hide the authenticity of the client and to be subjectively perceived as something that is unchangeable and even hopeless at certain moments.
So, if the shame is related to one’s own personality and what one is doing, the subjective feeling is that nothing can be done. It can be said that shame is often in the therapeutic process imbued with resistance.
In the article “Self and shame: A Gestalt approach”, by Kaufman, it is stated that the more we talk about shame, the more we realize that there are many defensive strategies that clients use in order not to touch shame: denial of the feeling, anger, anxiety, etc. It can be said that shame in itself is shameful, that is, it is a sign of weakness, vulnerability, immaturity, etc.
The therapeutic process for working with shame
For Pearls, the client’s shame is created because he had a protective function in some previous relationship with a parent or peer in order to avoid showing some part of himself that might have been threatening to the client’s relationship with someone else. He says that in order to accept shame, it is primarily important that the client has an environment that is safe and their shame and their needs are accepted and valued. For him, neurotic shame is a social artifact, not a primary emotion. It is society’s method of controlling the child and a way of punishing the child when the child does not introject the values and beliefs that his parents want to impart to him. All this happens at a time when the child needs love and care for survival. Shame makes a child feel that there is something wrong with how, who, and what he or she is. It is important to detect introjects before the reflection and projection that may occur. The more the client comes in contact with his own need, the sooner shame can arise and prevent the expression of the need. The relationship between the client and the therapist allows shame to be noticed and accepted and supported in accepting the shame. Any withdrawal from contact with the client can be a fixed gestalt, i.e. is. the termination of contact should be due to shame. All this should be monitored by the therapist (speech and body), because shame can be triggered by even the smallest things.
Kaufman says that shame is the gateway to the self. It is felt as an internal punishment, as a disease of the soul. Shame is the wound that is felt inside, shame alienates a person from himself, but also from others. The client’s need to talk about the shame shows his need to accept the shame, at this point empathy towards the client is important. For some clients, the very warm and supportive atmosphere that is also unabashed is the best thing Gestalt can offer. The very exploration of the phenomenological field allows the client to come into contact with his fixed gestalts which result in embarrassment. Of course, each of the other emotions such as happiness, sadness, anger that will appear during the process is important to be respected and expressed.
Then, it is important to see what the function of shame is in the client’s context, to check the various parental or social introjects and what their function is for the client, to understand the shame and how it was created. When the therapist works with shame, it is important not to make any assumptions beforehand, but to focus on the phenomenological field. It is also important for the therapist to check with the client for hidden shame, which occurs if the client does not initiate or confirm the therapist’s direction of shame.
WHEELER, GORDON. (2000). Self and Shame: A Gestalt Approach. Gestalt Review. 4.10.2307/44394019.
Kaufman, Gershen. (1992). Shame: The Power of Caring. Schenkman Books Inc.