In Gestalt psychotherapy it is said that the less confluency in a relationship, and the better the contact in intercourse, results in more passion and better arousal. There is nothing more fulfilling than the ecstasy we experience in fully knowing and joining the other person in the spirit of respect in the sexual act. It is important to look at any past sexual experience of the person. To check the childhood, especially the bonding with the parents, because a lot of sexual problems are created due to inadequate bonding and lack of physical contact. Regardless of whether the sexual problem comes because of fear, shame, trauma, a negative image of the bodily self, the feelings that come from the past are trapped in the body and have a defensive function, that is, the body can hinder contact between partners.
This can be seen in the client if, when excited and entering the sexual act, the breathing stops and the tension comes to the surface, because sensations of increased excitement are often a trigger in such situations and cause fear to surface as a defense function, instead of pleasure. In such moments it is important to bring the client into the “here and now” and to see what emotions and feelings he is aware of, by increasing the awareness of the feelings that are coming, the client gets a greater perspective and awareness of what emotions have an impact on his sex life. First of all, it is important for the client to be able to recognize the emotional and sexual resistances and internal dialogues that arise, for example, in such situations a topdog-underdog situation can be seen. An important point when working with the desensitization of the body is to direct the client to get in touch with the subjective experience of pleasure and to see how he is hindered from indulging in intercourse. How do they satisfy themselves in life? Do they feel their body is shameful or are they happy with it? Have they introjected any introjects from their parents? And most importantly to see if they force themselves to do what they hate and then lose control and enter into self-blame?
When working with desensitization of the body, a great emphasis can be placed on the breathing of the client or the couple. Shifting attention from the client’s verbalization to breathing and body awareness allows the client or couple to focus more on the emotional aspect of the body, rather than the cognitive aspect of the client. Constant awareness and coming back to the moment with deep breathing is especially important for making contact with different polarities in the person, attitudes, emotions, introjects and awareness of different patterns from before. Of course, deep breathing cannot change old patterns, but the purpose of emphasizing breathing is for the client to see what is happening with his body. If the client expresses that he feels shame or fear, the therapist can ask him, “Can you tell me in which part of the body you feel it and describe the feeling?”. The therapist can then use the empty chair technique and sit the fear or shame on the chair. With direction from the therapist, the client can step into the role of shame or fear. Focusing on breathing and becoming aware of what happens with breathing during sex can lead to increased sexual arousal.
Work with couples with sexual problems
In her practice, Stella Reznik worked as a Gestalt therapist, focusing on couples who have sexual problems. During her internship she recounts working with a hetero couple, Joan and Joe. In their relationship, they had no sexual contact for two years and were married for nine years. Working with them, she saw that their childhoods were difficult and both of them showed an absence of maternal care, especially a lack of physical contact with the mother. She noticed that their relationship was filled with too much stress resulting in reduced sexual desire and intimacy. In the initial phase, the therapist constantly reminded them of their breathing and slowly checked how they felt if there was a little physical contact between them. Most of the work with them was on the emotions and the body and the gradual resolution of childhood traumas. During the sessions, the problem in their contact especially came to the surface, that is, they never made contact, but also never talked to each other, looking into each other’s eyes. When the therapist did ask them to briefly look at each other and say something to each other, this was accompanied by a deflection in both partners. In one of the sessions, the therapist asked them to think about what is most important to their partner. Joe knew that the most important thing for his wife is when he tells her, “I’m here for you”, and she knew that the most important thing for her husband is when he tells him, “You are the most important person to me”. In the next part, the therapist asked them to make physical contact, look into each other’s eyes and, taking a deep breath, say the sentence to each other. This session was crucial for them, because both partners got in touch with their authentic need that had been suppressed for a long time, which is physical contact.
Gestalt therapy offers room for the use of experiments in the field. These may include bodywork, guided fantasy and then seeing how the client feels in the here and now. For example, in the therapeutic process, if there is a couple who have problems with emotional distance, the therapist may ask the couple to stand on a different side of the room with more distance. Then the therapist can ask them how they feel about the distance, what emotions come up. Then, the therapist can ask them to enter the other polarity, ie. to get close to each other and make physical contact. The questions that would follow would also be about how they feel now, whether that closeness is enough for them, how they feel about physical touch. Also, the therapist can only work with one of the clients, with the partner sitting off to the side and observing. Through this, you can monitor how the other partner will react, whether he will have patience or simply find this boring. Of course, whatever comes out is part of the phenomenological field and can be worked in future.
Resnik, Stella. (2018). Body-to-body intimacy: Transformation through Love, Sex and
Neurobiology . Routledge.